Waiting kind of sucks, right? Whether we're waiting for the right job to come, or the right guy to show up, or the purpose of your life to become clear, or the perfect home to buy - waiting is the worst. To make matters harder to bear, we feel ready - so ready - for that thing, that person, that path to show up; we've done the work, we've got lots to offer, we just need that missing component. But the thing about these big life happenings, is that we can't force it - but we usually try. I have some experience in waiting - and well, I know it's the worst - so I've had to develop some coping skills because I'm sort of the worst at the wait.
Probably the most mind-numbing thing about the waiting for anything is all the well-intending people that say "when you're not looking, the right person, job, home will show up" - and wow what a day that will be! That's usually the gist, followed by some story of how they, your well-meaning friend, just bumped into the love of their life one day or how they just stumbled upon the most perfect house, or "fell" into their dream job. And yeah - those things totally happen, I know. And isn't it really beautiful to think of it that way? To think that you're just living your life and oh snap! The love of your life/perfect job/life's path/perfect home just appears! Yes, wow, that must just be awesome. But lets get honest - it's not really that easy to shut your brain off and "not look". Right now you feel like you're in the murkiest of waters, standing there with your heart open, your mind open, your hands out, and you're freaking ready damnit! So like, let's go, let's do this. Let's go on all the dates and see all the houses, and interview for all the jobs, and try all the things your heart kind of likes in order to find your way.
But, it's exhausting.
It's draining. This experimentation phase of waiting, it's tiring. It's really not that pretty. Right now, the trend is to make it all sound really gorgeous and there's a million podcasts and books and life coaches that spin it in this beautiful way - who use fluffy words to describe coping mechanisms for the wait like "manifest, envision, dream boards, attract, soul's path" but ugh it doesn't feel fluffy, right? The wait feels heavy and no amount of pretty words negate the fact that you're probably getting tired of it. Yeah you can meditate on what you want, and go to yoga and be all open and stuff - but if we're being honest - no amount of fluff is taking away the grit that really is the wait.
When I was all freshly single and weird out there in the dating world after my divorce, I felt like the entire world was coupled up. I was the permanent 3rd wheel, the one that everyone asked "Sooooo, anyone specialllll?" in that weird voice where they drag everything out and you want to maybe choke them. Maybe. Just saying. And when I was looking for a job, I was the one that was glued to my phone, constantly in wait for the call - the interview call, the one that said "hey we liked all that stuff you carefully typed out in perfect grammar on your resume that took you way too long to do and well, we'd like to meet you in that suit you always drag out for occasions like this, and stare at you as you answer hypothetical questions that will totally tell us how you'll fit in here". And when I was hanging in the balance of my temporary (read: rental) home being sold, and having to find a new home, I was the one scouring realty websites in search of a house that I could buy, alone, in my price range with little fixing up needed, that I could move into like, yesterday. So waiting is kind of my thing. And now that I'm waking up every morning wondering what kind of difference I'm making in the world, and questioning all the labels I've made for myself like "entrepreneur" and "yoga teacher" and "bartender", I'm in that big wait where I'm hoping that it all comes together and I "find my path". Maybe I should add "waiting" to my list of skills next time I apply for a job? Anyway, what do you do when you need to turn off the waiting, and take off the weight of the wait, and breathe, and get that elephant off your chest that reminds you that you're single/jobless/pathless/potentially homeless every time you wake?
You stop. You get clear. You get a freaking hobby. Was that harsh? That's ok. Remember - we're not about the fluff here. Let me expand.
Yeah - I'm on the "when you're not looking you'll find it" train, but I mean more than that when I say "stop". I mean, stop all the trying. Stop going on all the dates with all the guys/girls. Stop saying yes to every freaking interview. Stop trying every single avenue. Stop giving your time away to this thing you "need" and are in search of - doing so, going on all the dates, trying all the things - it starts to become overwhelming, all consuming, never ending. If we put it in dating terms - you end up saying yes to people who you know damn well you're not going to have anything lasting with - just because all the fluffy podcasts and books and stuff told you to "be open". There's something to be said for being a little picky. Not everyone deserves your time. Not every interview is worth the drive. Not every home is worthy of the walk-through and the credit check. It's not snobby to be particular. "Picky" is not a rude term. Picky means you know what you want. So before you can do that, before you can stop the yes-frenzy......
You need to get clear. What do you want? What are you really looking for in your ideal relationship/job/home/life path/whatever? When you're saying yes to everything and everyone, you're not clear. I can tell you that with certainty. I said yes to everyone. I went on all the dates. I suited up for all the interviews. I looked at houses I knew were nothing at all what I wanted or totally out of my price range. Yeah, there's something to be said to being open to different possibilities, but if you've been doing this "open to anything" thing for a while (read: more than a month or two) then you're worn down; your heart is weary and you're absolutely not even seeing clear. So it's time to get clear. Call it a dream board, call it a manifestation - whatever, but it really doesn't need to be that serious. Get out a piece of paper and write down everything - anything - about what you're looking for. In the perfect world, what does your ideal relationship partner, home, job, life path, look like (and I'm not really just talking physically). Yeah - this totally seems goofy. Writing down that your ideal mate has to "like cats, good music, have a healthy relationship with alcohol (meaning: knows when to stop and doesn't cause a scene when drinking), and take naps" will seem cheesy at first - but no one has to see it - unless you're me, who just revealed the top 4 things on my list. Getting clear on what you REALLY want saves you from saying yes, or giving too much time, to the things and people that you don't. Have you ever dated someone that you were embarrassed or wary of telling others about because you knew they'd judge you? Yeah - we all have. You were wary because in your heart you knew that person wasn't right for you, you knew they were a jerk to others, or a poor-drunk, or a known cat-hater (ok not really, but you get it), but you said yes because you're just sick of waiting. And what happens? You waste your time, because in the end it doesn't work. You say yes to the interview for the job that's a horrible commute, terrible hours, and will knowingly cause you extreme mental anguish, but you're just so sick of waiting. Here's the deal: you don't have to add insult to injury by wasting time on top of waiting. Get clear, and then stick to it. Say no to things that do not fit the list - within reason. My first list for my ideal man said "doesn't care about sports" - that was a little extreme. That came from my divorce from someone who spent every single weekend and evening glued to the tv, phone, and computer because of sports bets. As it turns out, you can like sports and not be addicted to them. So I was flexible on that. Immediately shut down the thing in your head that is telling you how stupid it is to make a list and remind yourself that if you don't know what you want, you will never get what you are searching for. There is no shame in getting very clear on what you need in a person, job, or home to be happy. There is no shame in being happy and not settling. But get clear on what is a total non-negotiable, and then on what you're willing to be flexible on, and HONOR those things. Honor yourself.
And then, find a hobby. Seriously. Don't think you need a hobby? Reflect back on the last week of conversations with people. Were the majority of your convos based on the thing you've been waiting for? Have you been beating your Mom's ear about finding your life path every time you two talk (hi, me! Sorry Mom!)? Or have you been sitting with your best friend talking about all your failed dates or missed matches on Tinder, every time you guys get coffee? You need a hobby. And I say that with love and compassion, because I need a hobby. You're focusing way too much attention on the thing you want, and that's not good. You don't want to become the lack of the thing you want. You don't want to become the girl or guy without a date. You don't want to become the directionless person, or the person everyone dreads is coming to the party because all you do is talk about that last home you saw that you hated. You don't want to become the lack, the negative, the without. Find something to fill your time in the absence of all your searching. Your person/job/home, etc is coming. I promise. And yeah, you've got to still apply to jobs that look like something you'd like, and go on dates with people who mostly fit the list, and you still have to check out homes, and work for an hour or two a day on brainstorming to find your life's path - but you're going to have some free time now that you're not saying yes to all the things. Bonus to finding a hobby - if you do the things you like and enjoy, you're more apt to finding someone that enjoys those things too, or "falling into" a hobby that turns into a profession. Hell, you may even meet someone who knows someone who's selling their home that would be perfect for you. It's not as far fetched as it seems. Work on you. You're awesome, right? You have a lot to offer, don't you? So stop standing still. Stop making the thing you're in search of your identity. You are not the single-girl, the potential home owner, the job-interviewee. You are fierce. You are strong. You have interests and a life and friends and family. You are so much more than what you're searching for, so go make those good things even better. Go hone your skills at whatever you love. Go enjoy time with the people who love you. Stop basing your worth on who you're going out with, what your job title is, how big your house is and funnel that judgement into something tangible that you have control over. Become an even better version of yourself. Give to you. Say no to the interview/the date/the walk-through for the home, and then go take that time you would've spent on it, and do something good for you. Date your own damn self basically.
Waiting sucks. I know. But what's worse is going through a thousand unnecessary let-downs. Get picky, get clear. Stop searching. Start giving (to yourself). Write down what you want, hide it under your bed if you're embarrassed, and then refocus your energy on you and grow all the things that make you so damn awesome.
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