How to Find Yourself When you Feel Lost

Wardrobe before and after

There's an awful lot of people telling you what you should do, what you must wear, what looks best on you at your age, what jobs you must go after for a good living, where you should live, what you should eat, etc. There's so many shoulds and musts and have tos and "recommendations" that it can be hard to remember what it is that you actually enjoy - in clothes and food and careers and life and love. In fact, I'd say it's ridiculously easy to lose your path, your individuality, your thoughts, your uniqueness, your you, in today's world. Obviously, from my last post, you know that I have some experience getting lost in the shoulds and coulds and musts of the world and that finding my own path is often daunting. But, I have succeeded at times, in hearing that little voice inside - the one that tells me who I am and what I love and I've followed it more often than not. The problem sometimes, is not that we can't remember who we are and what brings us actual fulfillment and joy - it's that the voices outside of us, the ones trying to put us on the path they think is best for us, are often stronger than our own, so we concede. But I've found, that taking even the tiniest steps to honoring who you are and what you love will propel you into the right direction. You just have to listen and honor, and they will grow stronger. I promise. So where do you start?



I'm no expert. I'm not sure if anyone is. The voices outside of my own often take over my heart and steer me back to the "highlighted route" just when I'm forging my own path, but I've found that the more I listen, the more I hear. If you're lost, if you're feeling like you followed the crowd and have wound up so deeply entrenched in a life that feels foreign from your true desires and happiness, then you've got to start now. If you've ever driven to work and wondered what the hell you're doing with you're life and how you got here, you've got to begin. If you've ever felt like you were living someone else's life, then you've got to start immediately. You've got to begin living the life that is truly your own immediately. But don't worry. I don't mean you ditch your family, your job, and your home and backpack through Europe for the next two years - even if that truly is your path. I encourage you to start small. To take tiny steps. To not uproot your life and damage your relationships for the sole sake of "finding yourself". So how?

If you can't quit your job, and leave your life, and sell coconuts by the sea for a living (at least not immediately) then you've got to be able to do something. For me, that something started with my clothes. There is such expression in the way we dress ourselves, so many emotions woven into what we wear, that it most definitely makes a difference in how we feel. Pick up any magazine, open up your Pinterest page, or turn on the television and you're bound to see someone telling you what looks good at your age - what colors are "in" for this season, and the bests and worsts of something or other. There's always someone guiding you to tone down, cover up, fall in line, be like the others, and follow some rules of dressing. Work tells us how to dress in one form or another (because that's a must to keep your job of course), but what about when you're off work? If you're like I was, you probably incorporated your work clothes into your regular life because you're not made of money and having two totally separate wardrobes isn't always feasible. Eventually, your going-out clothes start to resemble your work outfits, and you listen to the world telling you "you can't wear that", "you're too old", "that's not in style", "don't wear white after Labor day", and "who do you really think you are?", and soon you've got a closet filled with clothes that match the life you're so deeply entrenched in: not for you, not your own.

The good news: you can change this and you can start now, with little money, and you can make changes immediately. Is there something in your wardrobe, something in your closet that makes you feel beautiful, or attractive, or brings emotions of happiness when you put it on - for whatever ever reason - because it's form fitting or it's loud, or it's comfy? Find that thing. Get it out and zero in on why it makes you happy. For so long I listened to the blogs, the pinterest pages, the internet, the world: I covered up, I dressed for my body type, I made sure I didn't mix metals or browns and blacks and I shopped at the stores I was supposed to as I aged. I have cellulite - because I'm a human being past the age of 16 - so I stopped wearing shorts. I did what I was supposed to do so no one's eyes were offended when they looked my way. Then I got divorced, my life changed, I ran away to Florida for a week because I needed the ocean in my life. I went to some random store because I was bored, and I stumbled upon a pair of flowing, wide legged, black and white print, crazy pants. They were totally "beach-wear". The thing that locals can get away with because they live at the beach year round, and they have different rules, different attitudes. These pants were absolutely NOT western Pennsylvania wear. Buying them was dumb - a waste of money. It was winter in PA and I couldn't wear them in winter - what would people think?! Hell, I probably couldn't wear them in summer either. Why? They were too loud, too big, too crazy. I started to question it. Why couldn't I get these? They lit me up in an otherwise dark time of my life. Something about them called to me. They weren't high end, they weren't designer. They were $19. They were weird. And I had to have them. I wore them almost every day of that beach trip. I felt like they were the real me. These pants made me feel like my whole previous life, the married one, the corporate one, the path to the white-picket fence and the 401k life, was all wrong. These pants felt right. They felt like the beginning of the new me - the one I had buried, and hid, and hushed, and told to quiet down in order to live the life I was "supposed to".  These pants felt like a rebirth and I have literally never in my life felt that way about a piece of clothing. These pants appealed to me because they were flowy, they were comfy, they were a little hippyish, and they were the beach: all things that I truly am in my heart. My wardrobe waiting for me at home was structured, was toned down, muted, tight, restricting, corporate: all the things I thought I was supposed to be. I bought the pants as a guide. If I could wear these pants whenever I wanted - if I could muster that courage and stop worrying about what others would say - then I knew I could follow my heart in other endeavors and areas of life as well. Now sure, when you look at these pants now (in the picture above), you probably say, yeah, those really aren't that "crazy". Prints are in right now - but almost 4 years ago, they really weren't. But that doesn't matter.

What matters - is that you find your piece of clothing and you wear it. Maybe it's not in your closet yet, but you know what is? A ton of shit you don't actually get joy out of wearing. Excuse my french. So get rid of that stuff. You know when you're at a party, or at a bar, or somewhere where there's a lot of things happening? You're talking to your friend, who's right next to you, but there's like 2 million other people talking and music playing, and fireworks going off, and a guy next to you that's competing for the title of loudest man in America, and you can't hear your dear friend talking 4 inches from your face. A closet full of stuff that doesn't light you up is just like that. Your crazy pants are getting lost in the overwhelming noise of your button ups and your blazers and your jeans that aren't too tight, but are just right according to standards and you can't even find the thing that makes you happy. It's time to declutter. To get rid of the "I might wear that" or "when I lose the weight, I'll def wear that", or "if I get that tailored, I'll wear that" or "if I have a (random event that happens once every 5 years) I'll need that". It's time to release the old and make room for the new. SO MANY people asked me why I was selling my clothes on Poshmark and Facebook recently. This is why. This is why I have a very bare closet and a small fear that when the weekend comes, I won't have anything to wear. But the truth is, I never wore that stuff anyway. As I began to rebuild my life a few years ago, I started getting back on the path of "shoulda and musts and have tos" and I forgot about my crazy pants. So I'm restarting. I'm refreshing. I'm decluttering and trying to live with less. And so far, it's awesome. My old clothes are great, and quality, and perfect for someone else and who their heart tells them they are, but they are not for me. And I'd bet money on the fact that you have a ton of clothes that aren't for you anymore either.

Get rid of them. Sell them. Donate the things you can't sell. And restart. So you may wear the same thing to a few events until you rebuild a wardrobe. That thing makes you happy, so stop dressing for Facebook posts and Instagram pics and for other people. Wear what makes you happy and rewear it again and again. There are no rules. There is no judge. You truthfully only answer to yourself, and your heart, when you're not at work. So sell the stuff, and buy the crazy pants. Find what lights you up and makes you feel pretty or handsome or most like the YOU that you wish to be, and wear it!

It won't change your life overnight, but it will strengthen the voice of your heart and help you navigate the next step in becoming who you were always meant to be. And every journey starts with the first step, right?