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| Photo Credit: Lovely Day Pittsburgh Photography |
It shows up at the worst of times. It tells us we are inadequate, we can't do it, we can't make it, we should turn around and go home. It's the aching in the chest, the pounding of the heart, the knot in the stomach and the weakness in the body. It stops us from sleep, from events, from love, and from life. It ranges from big to small, from butterflies to dinosaurs. It comes unannounced and stays for too long. Anxiety. It's never wanted, and it's often for seemingly no reason.
As someone who was born with anxiety coursing through my veins, I have about 34 years of experience with all types of anxiety. There's the anxiety over things that I see in the movies that will most likely never happen to me or the ones I love. There's the anxiety that I don't belong where I am. The anxiety that I will never accomplish my dreams. The anxiety that I'm not prepared enough, not good enough, not working hard enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not fit enough, not trying enough, not enough enough. Then there's the anxiety I picked up after my marriage suddenly fell apart. The anxiety of not being aware enough. The anxiety that my world could fall apart without notice. The anxiety that I am unwanted. The anxiety that I could've done more. The anxiety that I made the wrong choice. The anxiety that I am not worth being loved. The anxiety of loss. Oh the anxiety of loss - of being so terrified of losing someone or something that I love so much that I developed weird habits of hanging on to the wrong ones, the wrong jobs, the wrong things in life just to create stability. The anxiety. So much anxiety.
Anxiety finds us triggered by random things - the smell in the air as the leaves turn from green to shades of orange. The turn of the page in our planner as time moves forward and we stand still. The look in someone's eyes as their emotions change. The sound of a song floating through the air. The passing of a storefront on the way to our home. The swipe of our finger on the screen of our phone through pictures and status updates. The silence of the night as darkness weighs heavy on our skin and the clock ticks softly.
For someone that struggles with over-active anxiety, it can be debilitating, mind-numbing, distracting, and all encompassing. There's got to be a way out, there's got to be a stop button, an off switch, an end. Having some experience in this area, I have developed surefire ways to stop my anxiety, or at least distract the butterflies and the dinosaurs until they get bored and retreat. Some I can do from where ever I am, at any time. Some I need to be at home. But they all have one thing in common: they help. Maybe you'll find something in the list below that helps you too.
#1: Deep breathing
When we are anxious our breath quickens and becomes shallow. I interrupt this anxious breath by switching to a calmer, deeper breath that comes from the belly, rather than the chest. Think of it like blowing up a balloon sitting in your stomach. Close your mouth, relax the jaws and the muscles of the face, and bring all the inhales and exhales through the nose. Breathe a deep inhale for 4 seconds, filling that balloon with air. Hold for 2 seconds. Exhale for 4 seconds, allowing the air to release from the balloon in your belly slowly, like it's coming from a tiny hole. Focus intently on the air coming in through the nose and out through the nose. It's literally like a reset button. It refocuses your body and your brain, it calms the mind, it distracts the butterflies, and it brings you back to a place of peace.
This can be done anywhere, and chances are - if you are around me a lot - you've witnessed me doing this often. I know it sounds simple and easy, but it is the most effective way for me to interrupt anxiety. I do this in traffic, at work, in bed, at the computer, on the phone, everywhere and anywhere.
#2: Write it down
I do this everywhere too, even if it's semi-inconvenient. I take out a piece of paper - could be a receipt from the grocery store, a notebook, or a scrap paper at work - and I write down everything I'm worried about - everything. The list is usually incoherent to anyone else, but it often looks like:
electric bill
name of doctor
recipe for dinner
blog post
jason birthday
ryley vet
emails?
laundry
vacation
TF
Text mom
car thing
etc etc etc - it can literally go on for an entire page.
The idea is that you're dumping all your worries onto a piece of paper. What happens when we're anxious is that we start thinking of ALL the things we have to do, or should do, or want to do. And then we're trying to hang on to everything so we don't forget and it becomes this weird cycle of concern. We begin repeating all the things we need to remember (which are all anxiety-inducing) and cycling through them in an effort not to forget. It becomes ridiculously distracting so writing it down helps immensely and serves many purposes. Putting pen to paper allows us to release, to put down the baggage, to rest our minds. And often, when we write it down, we come back to it and realize half of those things don't NEED done immediately and aren't actually cause for concern. The list also serves as a to-do list - something we can physically "check off" when we complete, which helps to diminish anxiety as well.
Check the back of receipts in my car and purse and you're bound to find one that has scribbles on it from this exercise.
#3: Go to a safe space in your mind
To be able to quickly do this, you need to first create that space so you can jump to it fast when you're in that place of anxiety. Think of your ideal space - where you want to be right now. Are you indoors? Outside? At the beach? A lake house? Your house? What does it look like? What color are the walls, what is the temperature outside? Who is there with you, or are you alone? What are you doing, and what are you going to do while you're there? What does it smell like? What are the sounds? What time is it? Visualize it to a T. Leave nothing out when you're creating your space. It doesn't have to be a place you've ever been - it can all be made up, but take the time to really see it in your mind's eye. Once you've created this space, go there before bed. Close your eyes and ingrain it in your mind. Watch yourself in that space. Feel the peace and the ease that comes with it, and sit there for a couple minutes. Doing this at the end of each day helps make it a space you can get to quickly when you need to. Then when you're feeling anxious, or worried, or fearful, step into that space. Feel the peace come over you that this space brings. Allow yourself to be there for a little. Retreat to your safe space to calm your anxiety.
When I did this exercise a couple years ago, I found that my safe space was something I never imagined: a house that sat in the woods, with lots of wooden accents - a cabin I guess -that overlooked a large lake. I could hear the birds, it was morning, and everything was just waking up. It was warm inside and I was comfy. The day was ahead of me but I had no where to be. My cupboards were full, my coffee was warm, and the sun was coming up through a slight haze outside. It wasn't the beach like I expected. It wasn't the dead of Summer like I would have thought. It wasn't mid day. It was pretty opposite of what I always say I want in life, or where I want to be, but that made it right - it felt unique. It felt peaceful, and I still go there when I need to retreat.
#4: Music
I often have to physically interrupt anxiety with sound. Music is my quick go-to. I turn on the radio loud if I'm in my car, and I sing even if I hate the song. Something about the act of focusing on the words and singing them at the top of my lungs, drowns out the anxiety - halts it. Resets it. Stops the entire anxious train ride that I'm on. Other times, I am at home and need something calming, so I head to my Spotify playlists and click on the "peaceful piano" list that I've saved for times like these. I focus intently on the music floating through the air and usually kick into my deep breathing and the combination creates a calm place for me, distracting the dinosaurs and the butterflies.
#5: Move
Anxiety can debilitate us mentally but also physically. We can sit in a spot for an hour just focusing on the worry that fills our minds, and it doesn't help at all. Move. Take a walk around the block, find a Youtube exercise video, head to the gym, walk up and down the stairs a couple times, go to a yoga class - physically move the anxiety out of the body. I know it's difficult - trust me, I know. Moving can feel like the hardest thing ever when we're filled with anxiety, but I never regret doing it once I've committed. And I ALWAYS walk away feeling more at peace. Try this. I promise.
#6: Pray/Talk to your God
Praying can feel like a big task if you're not religious and talking to God can feel silly if you've never really done it. But set all that aside. The last thing you need is to add judgement onto anxiety. Just try it. I pray often when I'm anxious especially if I'm in bed and I can't sleep. A simple sentence taught to me by my Mom is my go-to when I need to interrupt anxiety: "Peace, be still". It is from the bible and can be said at anytime. Your go-to calming sentence doesn't have to be religious, but it can be. You don't have to be a certain religion to say this, and you don't have to go to church to use this. Just try it. When anxiety is washing over you and it all feels too much, repeat to yourself "Peace, be still".
If I need a little more than just a sentence, I'll just start talking to God about all my worries, all my fears - no matter how stupid it seems, or how crazy my concerns are. Sometimes I speak out loud if I'm at home, other times it's in my head. Sometimes I'm asking for help, sometimes I'm just venting. Other times I'm praying for others - a trick that has always helped me stop my own anxiety. Praying for others seems crazy when you're in the throws of an anxiety attack, but it takes the focus off of yourself and turns the energy to helping another person through your prayer.
#7: Count your blessings
Start flipping through a list of things you're grateful for. No one has to see your list, so it can be totally silly and unique to you. When you're filled with anxiety it can be hard to think of what you're thankful for, so start small: "I'm thankful that my legs work. I'm thankful that my dog loves me. I'm thankful that I'm in sweatpants. I'm thankful there's food in my fridge. Etc, etc, etc." Just start rattling these things off. Your list will undoubtedly grow as you search for things you are thankful for and become more aware of your blessings. Challenge yourself to find ten things you are grateful for in that moment of anxiety, and switch the energy from worry to gratitude. I swear this helps.
#8: Drink something warm like coffee or tea
Anxiety is cold. It's distant and frigid and it's dark. Physically warming my body with tea or coffee always comforts me. Buy yourself special "calming" tea that you use strictly for peace. Your mind will begin to associate that tea or coffee with peace and just smelling it as it brews will put you in a better mind state. Any tea with chamomile or lavender is my favorite because they are calming herbs. Focus intently on the feeling of the drink warming your insides and washing out the cold anxiety. Take a minute, or more if you can, to just focus on that warm, calming feeling.
#9: Come back to the Present
Mornings were hard for me when I first got divorced and moved back to my parents. The sheer shock of waking up in my parent's house, in a bed that wasn't my own, by myself, in the silence of the house where everyone was gone for the day would literally make me sick with anxiety. Sometimes I would cry the minutes my eyes opened from the intensity of it all. I started every day with a feeling of intense sickness in my stomach over all the questions of why did this happen and where will I live and how will I survive and what happens next and will I be ok and who will ever love me? I was constantly looping through questions of the future. So, when anxiety of the future came tumbling down on me every morning I did a checklist of the present: What am I doing right now? Brushing my teeth. Is this a dangerous activity? No. Am I unsafe? No. Is there cause for immediate concern? No. What does this taste like? Mint. What is around me? Towels, a mirror, the shower. What do I have on? Sweat pants, my t-shirt. Who is beside me? My dog and my two cats. Am I in danger? No.
I always come back to this when I'm in distress. I do a physical check-in of all my senses, and what I am doing. And then I ask myself if I am in danger or unsafe? The answer is always no. When you bring yourself to the present moment, you interrupt your anxious thoughts. You focus on what is happening at this very moment, and it calms the mind.
#10: Rest and Restart
There will be times when anxiety keeps you up and awake, but there will definitely be times when you're so drained from anxiety you can hardly keep your eyes open. Let. Yourself. Rest. Allow yourself to layer on all the fuzzy things - the socks, the sweats, the robe, the flannel; to pull the covers over your head, the blankets over your body, and rest. Let your head hit the pillow, let your eyes shut, and let yourself restart. Pause your anxiety with sleep. And when you wake take a shower if you have time - physically let the anxiety wash off your body, and get ready again. It's like restarting the day, regardless of the time. Re-doing your hair, re-dressing your body, re-starting the day. This is best done after "writing it all down" and making a list of all the things you're worried about. Sleep is easier when you put down your baggage on paper.
I hope this helps! Anxiety is unique to each person, but you are not alone. If you have a sure-fire way that gets you out of your anxiety, let me know. Chances are someone can benefit from your calming technique.
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